14 Oct 2007

Old age worries

I saw the same dream again today and woke up in tears.It is not the sight that worries me but the pain he must have gone through.He has been by my side all through these years..in his prayers,in his thoughts and in his worries.The sad part is that i could have made it a difference in his lifetime when he was in bed being diagnosed for dialysis some 3 years, but did not. I could have made him feel better and respond to his calls every time when he needed something. Maybe because of the old age he feels the need of someone always near him,maybe the Gods must be whispering in his ears to tell me something which i could not listen.Maybe its good for him that he is no more today but the feeling still lies strong in me.His teachings,his work,his thoughts,his love and care made me what i am today.

I spent my childhood on his back,sometimes behind his cycle/luna.He never let me go out of his sight.When i was three months old,i had high fever and he took me on his back.I was not breathing due to complications in fever and he ran everywhere to call a doctor and bring me back to life again. He gave me a new life,though i am still allergic to heat. My parents were posted in hill districts far from the town and he was there to look after me along with my aunties, to whom i shall never forget my due regards.He would sit all day on his arm-chair and watch us from a distance but would never let us go beyond the gate. I used to think that i am a grown up and nothing could influence me and that there was no harm in going out of the gate and mix with the local people.

Days turn into years but he never wavered from his place. He would watch the three houses that were in line like a faithful war horse.I began to go school and the first morning alarm is his voice to wake us up and be ready in time for school.Sometimes i hated him for all these strictness. But with time i realized that it was this care and love that make me write this blog today. He never would be satisfied in any work unless he get involved in it or does with his own hands. Life goes on and one by one my aunties get wedded and leaves the place..leaving us with warm memories of the past. I have been told by my aunties that i swallowed a incense stand while i was four months old.My aunties were really hard working,going to school,cooking food,looking after the child (me and others) and yet have to study on their own.Such selfless acts could never be compensated in terms of incarnations even.

Ah! the main reason i wrote this blog was because of my dream which i yet have to tell you of.I saw him(my grandfather) calling for my name and mom was very busy with her office work so i went.He could barely walk and have to support him and was moving slowly as i supported him.He was smelling badly and all i did was sneer at him and ask him to move faster as if i had some other work important than that. He wanted to use the toilet and i helped him.After that i soaked his clothes which were dirty in a soap solution for washing and helped him lie in bed. I went back to whatever i was doing and he called me again. I was pissed off and asked what his problem was,he wanted me to be there at his side and i possibly could not stay with hi, all day long so i just ignored him. He replied with an "Oh!" in sadness and requested many times to come there. I went there and told him i was doing some work and can't stay with him all day long. He was not in tears but i know that he is feeling lonely and helpless so he is calling me but i could not help it. His words "Oh!" touch my heart till today though when i remember him and feel so bad. I wish i could have made a difference if i had been there with him most times when i could.

My dad lost his father when he was very small and he gives grandfather the highest priority.I still remember that if my grandfather had any complains against me,he would tell my dad when he came back after office.Today i realize how much pain he must have felt that time when i ignored him even in his death bed. The loneliness of old age is something which is hard to describe and can only be felt.People cannot understand it and consider it to be a troublesome old man.I wish i had knew it earlier and had done something for him that could make him happy.All his life,he took care of my family -my parents,my aunties and then me and when his time comes to retire we were not there all the time for him. It must have been a shock and sad thing to experience it.

Thinking all these makes me wonder if i have become old too! There is not much in this world that interests me now -neither a India-Pakistan match nor a beautiful girl sitting next to me in a bus.I wonder if i have lost my insanity and realized the true nature of life and love.My thoughts have changed in all these years and i believe that grandfather had influenced me these thoughts through his acts and strictness in childhood. Whatever it may be,i believe that i wont be able to come to normal life and live a much happier life as it should have been.I am not complaining about what happens in my life,but as i can see the changes in my thoughts and my life i can also see myself drifting towards worries and thoughts in life rather than enjoying it. Sometimes i wish to leave this maddening world and stay in a quite place where i could find solace at the sight of ants going in line or the birds fighting for food.

Old age is indeed a painful stage in one's life i have imagined.I wonder how i will react to my younger generations and how they will treat me when i become old enough to look after myself!!
By writing this blog today, i wish to inform the reader that no matter what - life is beautiful and should be lived in an instant.Worrying for tomorrow might possibly make you happy tomorrow but what about the present today that you are indulged in?All i can say is enjoy life at its fullest and see to it that you happiness doesn't come by making someone worry or sad.


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